Rudenstine told reporters.  His doctor agreed.  Only after a three month sabbatical, during which he read Lewis Thomas, listened to Ravel, and walked with his wife on a Caribbean beach, was Rudenstine able to return to his post.  That week, his picture was on the cover of Newsweek magazine beside the one word banner headline: “Exhausted!”

Can man really operate like a machine?

I remember my grandfather telling a story about his employer Milton S. Hershey.  Hershey was the founder and leader of the Hershey Chocolate Factory around the turn of the century.  During that time Hershey also built a school for orphaned children, a park, rose gardens, ballroom, community center and a golf course for any employee from his chocolate factory to use free of charge.

The idea was to have a balanced life. 

Work hard, enjoy your family and rest well.  For Hershey, stability didn’t come through sucking more profit out of his people but rather providing balance.  During the 1930′s at the height of the great depression, Hershey decided to build the world renowned Hershey Hotel.  His purpose was solely to provide jobs, not make more money.  My grandfather was pulled from the chocolate factory due to work being slow to help build the Hotel.

One day while constructing the new hotel, the sight manager had a new machine brought to the job site.  It was a steam shovel.  While the steam shovel began to dig the manager proclaimed that this new machine could do the work of 100 men.

About midday, Milton S. Hershey arrived at the construction site to oversee the progress which had been made.  Not long after arriving the site manager showed Milton the steam shovel and proclaimed it could do the work of 100 men.  Milton stopped the manager in his tracks and said, “Then get rid of the steam shovel and hire 100 more men.”

What is the value of a human being?

This past week while reading the book Consuming Religion by Vincent J. Miller, I was struck by the concept of how hyper-consumerism societies cause an unstoppable commodification of culture. Subtly, we begin to look at nearly everything as a commodity.  In its extreme, this attitude diminishes the value and worth of fellow humans, and we begin to treat people as commodities or machines - empty, soulless, hollow commodities for our own purposes.

Of course, we all know that humans are not machines.  We know we’re limited, not infinite. We know there’s more value to an individual than what they can do for us, but the subtle cultural pressure can influence to live as if these things were true.

Milton Hershey understood the value and worth of a person. Hire more, work them less, give them rest, provide a living and care for their entire being.  They are not expendable.

For me this begs a huge questions for all of us as ministers…

What Commodification Exists in our Student Ministries?

Our Language.

What type of language do we use in your student ministry?  Invest and Invite!  Multiply! Exponential! Too often our language models a commodification understanding of church and humanity.  We talk about people as dehumanized objects in which play roles in our great game.  Financial, capitalistic and self-gain language is often used at the expense of the very person you were called to help form their soul.  In commodification language the forming of one’s soul is foreign and even seems ridiculous, due to the lack of capitalistic gain.

Our Leaders.

Do we see leaders as commodities or souls which have been entrusted to you by God to care for.  Why do we spend time with our leaders?  Simply to gain a return or because we love them the way God loves them?  Leaders are gifts entrusted to you by God, not another tool to treat like a machine in accomplishing your great vision.  Do you know your leaders?  Do you sit and simply be present with them?  Do you hurt with them, or have you devalued them as commodities?  Remember, a commodity is simply used, when finished we get another.

Our Discipleship.

Critically evaluating discipleship evaluates health based off the question, “Is a disciple displaying the character and priorities of Jesus?”  How is it that we have commodified discipleship to a point where we evaluate health based on production?  A disciple must be active!  In a loss of rhythms and pace of life, we have forgotten about the first portion of Mark 12, simply being present with God.  Do we provide room in our student ministry programing for people to be present?  Do we care for their souls in the mess?  Do we trust God enough with our finances to not force a production model to grow our student ministry numerically?

• Are we treating our people like human beings or machines?
• Have we commodified them?
• Are they exhausted?
• Are you a man or a machine?

Human beings enjoy the simplicity of life.  Work as well as rest.  We were not made to operate like machines.

Which will you be?  How will you lead?

Being a new mom in ministry, this seems to happen a lot more often! Having a new baby has completely changed the way in which I do ministry. While I used to get up in the morning, drink my coffee and spend time with God, my mornings now start much earlier, look a lot more hectic and I am usually running late. I really did wonder how I was going to cultivate space for my walk with God and implement practices to grow close to him. I am very blessed that I get to work from home a lot and my husband’s job is flexible, however, I do feel crazy sometimes!

Through this time I have learned several things about being a mom in ministry:

1. Schedule time with God… literally put it in your calendar.

While we all go through seasons of struggling to spend time with God. I am very aware that if I don’t schedule time, my day slips away from me. I need these times with God and putting them in my calendar as appointments had made them happen on a regular occasion. Thank goodness for smart phones!

2. Ask your spouse to help make sure you get space and time with God.

Thankfully my spouse has been very supportive and helps to ensure that when I need and can’t schedule those times in my day, he makes it happen. Having a teammate definitely helps make these times of quiet happen!

3. Sometimes you just have to laugh.

I have to laugh at myself when I mistakes, forget appointments, leave home without a change of clothes for the baby, forget people’s names, etc. Its all happened and I know it will continue to happen. I can’t be as scheduled and organized as I used to be and its okay! It’s okay to laugh at myself, learn for next time and enjoy the process of being in ministry and being a mom at the same time.

4. Keep the lines of communication open with your employer.

Whether your boss is a board of directors or a lead pastor, keeping them informed is incredibly important. There will be days where the ball may be dropped, rough nights occur or kids get sick. Its best just to keep communicated with those you serve in ministry.

]]> http://www.projectrenovation.org/the-art-of-running-late/feed/ 0 http://www.projectrenovation.org/interview-with-deb-turnow/ http://www.projectrenovation.org/interview-with-deb-turnow/#comments Tue, 30 Apr 2013 15:00:46 +0000 pageauthor http://www.projectrenovation.org/?p=2394 This morning we’re excited to have the chance to interview the latest member of the Project Renovation leadership team, Deb Turnow. Deb currently serves as the Executive Director of Kavanna House, a spiritual formation center in York, Pa.  Prior to that role, she was the Director of Spiritual Direction at Living Word Community Church in York.  We’re excited to have her on the team as we continue trying to serve youth leaders in the area.

Tell us a little bit about your own spiritual journey, Deb. How’d you get to a place in your life where soul care became so important?

I’ve been a believer since I was 18 – a LONG time ago. J  I have always been involved in Bible studies, fellowship, service and missions.  My Christian life was very much about ‘doing’.  About 9 or 10 years ago, I was introduced to contemplative spirituality and it transformed my relationship with God.  Prior to that, I feel that I knew a lot about God – now I feel I know God.  That changed the trajectory of my life.  I became a spiritual director and started to teach classes on contemplative spirituality, inviting others to engage God with their hearts.

You used the language “contemplative spirituality”. For someone who maybe hasn’t heard that phrase before or who isn’t exactly clear on what it means, could you explain that for us a bit?

Sure, Contemplative spirituality simply means that you are looking at and processing your walk with God through a reflective stance.  You begin to cultivate the ability to listen to the ‘still small voice’ of God and respond through practices such as silence and solitude or lectio divina (sacred reading) of Scripture as well as different types of prayer.  For me it means learning to listen to God at least as much as I speak to Him and to be more aware of His Presence in my daily life.

You’ve had a chance to be a part of some Project Renovation events over the past year. As a “non-youth ministry” person, what resonates with you and your own ministry experience?

Earlier in my life, my husband and I spent time as youth leaders.  It was an incredible opportunity to be able to speak into the lives of young people.  And, some key youth leaders were people of importance in the lives of my own children.

What I find so beautiful and unique about Project Renovation is the thought and care put into providing resources to help youth leaders recognize that their own soul care is not only a legitimate need, but necessary, if they are to continue to give their gifts and time to the youth in their care.

I’ve witnessed other organizations offer skills to equip youth leaders but never had as their focus the care of the spiritual life of the leader.

The other aspect of Project Renovation that sets it apart is the way the board operates.  I am witnessing (and honored to be a part of) true community, led by Rick Rhoads, that offers a safe place for processing and allows those involved to lead from a place of integrity.

It’s encouraging to hear you say that. At its core, that’s what the Project is about. Healthier leaders end up leading healthier ministries, loving and discipling teens in healthier ways. I’d love to have you speak into that a bit.

I’ve heard it said a few places now that in our busyness to do the work of God, we often lose out on our relationship with God. Have you seen that tendency in full-time ministry? Why do you think that is?

Unfortunately, I think the concept of being busy for God or of a life filled with ‘doing’ has been not only supported but promoted within our Christian culture.  I think it is a trait that we have inherited from our North American culture, to our detriment.

People in full-time ministry put in hours of overtime.  We (and I say ‘we’ because I am still trying to break free of this mindset) find it difficult to set boundaries around our lives and often our own intentional time with God is what gets compromised.  That, along with the fact that most of us may still be trapped in a ‘one-size fits all’ type of quiet time, going deeply with God seems like a luxury none of us can afford.

What does that kind of compromise end up looking like in the life of a minister? As you interact with people in full-time ministry, what are some of the symptoms of burnout that you see?

This is a great question and I think my answer might be a bit out of the box.  I think the first thing we think of is people leaving their ministry…or having a moral failure.  But sometimes I think the symptoms are more subtle and insidious.  I think when we drift from being intentional in our relationship with God, and when we feel we’re losing control of our time and our schedule, we try harder to control in others areas.  It may in our families – having less patience, less ability to listen deeply or even beginning to see them as just one more drain on our time and energy.

So it can show up in our tendency to want to control things more tightly. How about our relationships?

I think the unhealthiness can also show itself by becoming territorial and rigid in our ministry – becoming critical and judgmental about other ministries, whether inside the church or out.  And, I think it can show itself by finding ourselves prone to being punitive in our approach to others who may be struggling, instead of showing love and grace and moving towards restoration.

You talked earlier about “contemplative spirituality” as a different way of knowing God, tending to that relationship in the midst of our busyness. How does spiritual formation speak into that kind of need in a person’s life?

I feel that an intentional relationship with God is what we need to ground us, to anchor us in His love.  I know that for over 30 years of being extremely busy in the church I was never taught how to just ‘be’ in God’s presence and rest in the fact that He loves me, not for what I do but for who I am. Spiritual formation speaks to that intentionality.  We put into practice some rhythms or disciplines that allow us to listen to the Spirit, to know that God cares about us deeply and allows us to put our life choices in perspective, to create some balance, to have healthy margins.  Until one knows, at their core, that they are loved by God just because they exist, they will continue to live life in a way that says ‘the more that I do, the more I am valued’.

For you personally then, what are some spiritual disciplines or principles that you’ve found helpful in nurturing your own personal relationship with God?

I need silence and solitude.  It is in that place where I stop striving and just sit in God’s presence.  I also find journaling to be an important part of my walk.  It helps me slow down, pay attention and see that God is present in the everyday things of life as well as helps me think more reflectively as I read the scriptures.  And, I have a spiritual director – someone who helps me notice things on a more profound level and supports me as I lean into my life with God.  Without these practices, I find myself sleepwalking through my life with God.

Thanks for taking some time to share with us today, Deb. We’re truly grateful to have you on the team and look forward to the ways that God will use your life and message to encourage local youth works.

In the weeks ahead, be looking for regular blog posts from Deb Turnow and our other mentoring shepherds. If you’d like to know more about Deb or her ministry at Kavanna House, please go to http://www.kavannahouse.com

]]> http://www.projectrenovation.org/interview-with-deb-turnow/feed/ 0 http://www.projectrenovation.org/mirthdays-and-the-necessity-of-celebration/ http://www.projectrenovation.org/mirthdays-and-the-necessity-of-celebration/#comments Tue, 23 Apr 2013 15:00:45 +0000 Josh Rhodes http://www.projectrenovation.org/?p=2350 A few weeks ago I was in a staff meeting at the church where I serve. Since there were a few new faces at the table, we took thirty minutes to do a team building exercise. We partnered up with one person and asked each other a series of questions, one of which was about our family. When it was my turn to share, I talked about my daughter’s upcoming 23^rd mirthday and how we planned to celebrate it.

I wanted to see if he would catch that I said mirthday, and not birthday.

He did catch it, and asked me what it was. I went on to tell him that a mirthday was a small monthly celebration of the day of her birth. Since she was born on March 9^th, we pause and celebrate her every month on the 9^th.  Though it’s usually something simple like spending $5 at Chuck E. Cheese or baking a cake as a family, we have a blast and always make new memories.

It’s no surprise that we live in a fast world. With everything and everyone moving quickly around us, it’s easy to join the unhealthy pace and miss opportunities to pause and celebrate what God is doing in our lives. By celebrating, we give ourselves permission to stop and savor and appreciate the beauty that is right in front of us.

Two questions to consider:

People
Who are the people in your life that you can celebrate this week?

• How will your friend feel when they read the handwritten note you send?
• How much fun will your son or daughter have going out for ice cream and hearing what character qualities you see developing in them?
• How quickly will your spouse tell their coworkers about the video message that you texted with 3 things you appreciate about them?

Experiences
What personal or ministry experiences can you celebrate this week?

• Imagine reading a journal entry a year from now about the retreat you just led and the student’s lives that were impacted.
• Tell a friend that you made a New Year’s resolution and you are following through with it – and then let them pat you on the back!
• Don’t file away the thank you note or email you got from a leader, put it somewhere you’ll see it.

There are people and experiences in your life right now that are worthy of celebration.

Don’t miss the opportunity to savor the great things that God is doing in your life right now.

]]> http://www.projectrenovation.org/mirthdays-and-the-necessity-of-celebration/feed/ 0 http://www.projectrenovation.org/dealing-with-tragedy-on-the-day-after/ http://www.projectrenovation.org/dealing-with-tragedy-on-the-day-after/#comments Tue, 16 Apr 2013 15:00:09 +0000 Aaron Brown http://www.projectrenovation.org/?p=2362 On the morning after a terrible tragedy such as the one we saw yesterday in Boston, its easy to feel sucker punched, to feel dazed by the images and video clips looping endlessly on the news, to feel powerless to help in any significant way.  Maybe this is you today, maybe this describes some of your students today.

How do we process and pray the day after?

Its a big, heavy question that people have asked for centuries, and there’s no easy formula or three simple steps that we could offer each other today. We earnestly hope in the Lord, but we still deeply hurt with people. We long to experience God in the midst of the pain and confusion. We try to find words to somehow say something of substance and our lips fail us. As a minister, you may be feeling a pressure or expectation to have answers and solutions today. The reality is we can’t “deal” with it. It’s not ours to fix.

We may feel the temptation to stuff down, deny, or avoid our own painful emotions, to curtail deep questions with pithy answers that do little more than offer a band-aid to cover the wounds. Maybe you’re feeling that temptation this morning – as you wrestle with what to say to your leaders and students. May I encourage you to pause for a moment longer.

Sometimes simply being present with others in silence
brings more comfort than our feeble, forced words.

May I invite you to take some time this morning to be present with God and others, to be honest with emotions, to pray open-ended prayers for the people of Boston, to sit with uncomfortable questions, and offer Jesus to those who are grieving.

There will be moments of grief and pain today and there will be glimpses of hope and joy. Pay attention to both. Look past the news cycle and looping videos and see God at work in our midst.

[Image via San Antonio Public Library]

“The waves of death surrounded me; the floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death itself stared me in the face. But in my distress I cried out to the LORD; yes, I called to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry reached his ears.” (2 Samuel 22:5-7, NLT)

“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.” (Habakkuk 3:17-19, ESV)

It was such a small thing. Most people wouldn’t have even noticed but it created a big problem. The ministry I work for has a large cabin. It sleeps 60 people, has a commercial kitchen and even a gym. We call it a cabin but in reality it’s a retreat center.

The cabin is just 20 minutes away from Lebanon but it’s in a remote location. It’s far enough off the grid that we have to generate our own electricity. It’s a great place for our urban kids to retreat from the chaos of the city. When we’re not using it for our ministry we rent it to other groups. Recently one of our rental groups had a problem, no electricity.

Several months ago we upgraded to a new generator and we’ve invested a great deal of money into a system that includes inverters and a huge battery pack. Although we have a state-of-the-art generator system the group had no power.

After examining the system we eventually discovered the problem, it was a 25 cent bolt. It was just one of 48 bolts connecting the batteries. This small, inexpensive part had come loose and shut down the entire operating system.

Little Foxes

Every time I read Song of Solomon 2:15 “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards” I’m reminded of situations like this. The lesson is, of course, that little, seemingly insignificant things can cause disproportionate damage. We must guard ourselves against little foxes that do great harm to a Christian’s life.

For you and me, our most important battles may not be with the “big” sins. Our big battles may be with the small things, those little foxes. Perhaps you wrestle with a little laziness, a little folly, little faith, or a little (you fill in the blank.)

Soul Care includes dealing with the little foxes that come our way. Is there a little fox you need to deal with before it causes big problems? May God give us wisdom, discernment and courage to deal with the little foxes. Blessings to you as you keep God’s power on!

]]> http://www.projectrenovation.org/dont-ignore-the-little-foxes/feed/ 0 http://www.projectrenovation.org/reflections-from-a-thirsty-soul/ http://www.projectrenovation.org/reflections-from-a-thirsty-soul/#comments Tue, 02 Apr 2013 15:00:44 +0000 Rick Rhoads http://www.projectrenovation.org/?p=2329

“My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?”
- Psalm 42:2

11 Leaders, 9 Ministries, 1 Church

Seven years ago while dreaming about how Project Renovation could spiritually care for, inspire and equip local youth ministry workers, the idea of a soul care retreat emerged.  We named it Soul Thirst.  The concept was simple: Provide a retreat where local and regional youth workers could pull away from the busyness of ministry for a time of renewal experienced in community with other youth workers.

In the spring of 2006, this dream became a reality. That year in a small cabin in Western Pennsylvania, twelve leaders pulled away for a weekend of Sabbath and spiritual renewal.  For me personally, it was a humbling experience and the experience of spiritual renewal and growth which came from that first weekend is hard to place into words.

Now seven years and thirteen retreats later, I am truly grateful to see how God continues to move.

Our most recent retreat occurred a few weeks ago at Creek Haven Retreat just outside of Halifax, PA.  I am deeply thankful for the men with which I had the privilege of pulling away to retreat.  Throughout our time we shared laughter, great food, healing conversations and even some well-timed tears. Josh Rhodes, a dear friend and trusted ministry partner facilitated our time focusing on the spiritual discipline of journaling.

During our time in community at Soul Thirst I was struck by three major themes I’d like to share with you:

Personal Soul Care

Regardless of how tired or energized you feel in a given moment as a ministry leader, the need to care for your own soul is an ever present reality.  Often times, however, we tend to care for others before ever thinking of ourselves.  This imbalance can often leave us in a depleted state.  Through Soul Thirst, I’m continually reminded that providing space, rest and asking nothing in return can be a profound gift.  It was amazing to see leaders receive this gift with deep humility and gratitude.  No need for ambition, posturing, or numbers… rather, we simply wanted to care for each other in the moment.

Connection to the broader Community

Watching eleven leaders drop their guard, be authentic, move beyond church differences and care for one another is a humbling experience.  Throughout our weekend we watched participants move from being eleven separate leaders and nine different ministries to being the embodiment of One Church.  Renewal and soul care did not just come from the facilitators guiding the time, but from everyone who shared in the community.  Each member had something to offer.  Through conversations, prayer, written letters, meals and even a game of pool, each participated in caring for others.

Rooted in a Spiritual Discipline

Soul Thirst Retreats are not meant to be a spiritual high or self-contained experience.  Its intention is to provide spiritual formation skills for life, leading to daily renewal.  The call is to live a different way when one returns to their daily routine.  Throughout our time, we sat with the discipline of journaling, focusing our attention on the idea that: “Journaling helps us see and remember all that God is doing in us around us, and through us.”

The following is a excerpt from Richard Peace’s book, Spiritual Journaling: Recording Your Journey Toward God, which speaks of journaling as a key practice to documenting and passing on the faith to those around you.

“Journals have existed in many forms down through the ages.  In all likelihood, the earliest journals were oral, not written.  A tribe would appoint someone to “remember” its history, and on special occasions, the story teller would recount the events that made the tribe a unique people.

This was true of the Hebrews.  They told their story over and over again, recording it in what is today the Old Testament.  Their stories described  how God sent their father, Abraham, on a long pilgrimage, how Moses led them out of Egypt through the Red Sea, how they entered the Promised land, and how they came to have a king.  In these stories, the Jews found their identity as a special people.

This was true for the earliest followers of Christ as well.  The accounts in the four Gospels are simply written versions of oral stories that had been circulated for years within the believing community.  The Gospels are, then a journal of the early church, recounting what Jesus taught, how he died to atone for the sins of the world, and how he changed lives of the earliest believers.  Taken together, the Old and New Testaments represent God’s use of story to trace the thread of God’s relationship with people down through the ages.”

I want to say thank you to those who were present at this most recent Soul Thirst. Your hearts and passion for students amazes me.  To Caleb Lovely, your worship always takes my time with Jesus to another place.  To my dear friends Aaron and Megan Brown, your soul care through hospitality was deeply felt.  Lastly, to my brother and friend Josh Rhodes, thank you for how you taught me to love my family in a new way through the discipline of writing.

My mom is involved in a two-year training program where she needs to complete a project of what she has learned about spiritual formation. My mom, being a very creative person, chose not to write a paper but rather create a spiritual formation environment in her back yard. She is currently working on creating what she calls her “contemplative garden” – not just as an idea, but as a physical space set aside for spiritual renewal. She’s been hard at work in the woods on their property cultivating and building her garden. She plans to use the contemplative garden to highlight twelve key ideas from her spiritual formation program and set aside the space for reflection and meditation. She plans to incorporate multiple stations or places to sit with art/symbols that encourage reflection and contemplation.

When I asked her about this intentional space, my mom replied, “Some people will gravitate to this kind of space for reflection and others will not.  It is helpful for someone wishing to incorporate a contemplative approach to their faith to find what works for them.  Some like the hushed stillness of a cathedral and others the hands-on practice of journaling.  God has made us all unique.  Finding what is the best way to worship and commune with God for you is an adventure worth seeking.”

What I love about this space is that it fits my mom’s creativity and interests perfectly. She loves to be outside. She loves to garden and work in the dirt. This space is awesome for my mom to have with God. It speaks to her and fits her personality. I love it!

Finding Space

As I think about my mom’s project, its begun to stir within me the desire to have my own “Space.” I have an office at work and an office at home. Both are designed and laid out thoughtfully, however, they are not the best spaces for personal contemplation. They remind me of all that needs done. They remind me of the people I need to talk to and the ministry I’d like to see in the future. They are not good spaces for contemplation and time with God.

I don’t have time to create a garden in my back yard, but I have decided I need to find my own contemplative space. So far I have tried several locations and am narrowing in the best space so that I can calm my mind, be freed from distraction, focus on God and contemplate who He is. It won’t be as elaborate as my mom’s but it will provide space to nurture the same soul needs.

What about you? Do you have a “space” for contemplation? Do you have a safe place where you can go to commune with God without distractions? If not, I would encourage you to find out what works for you. A place in your house, office, coffee shop, library, garden and/or closet? Where is your space? Give yourself permission to explore, try different things, and find something that reflects the way God has uniquely wired you.

]]> http://www.projectrenovation.org/finding-space-for-the-sacred/feed/ 2 http://www.projectrenovation.org/beyond-unresolved-conflict/ http://www.projectrenovation.org/beyond-unresolved-conflict/#comments Tue, 19 Mar 2013 15:00:39 +0000 Aaron Brown http://www.projectrenovation.org/?p=2295 Last week, Ben wrote a great post entitled “New Hope for Old Wounds” about those times in ministry when restoration and reconciliation don’t go as planned. It got me thinking about another kind of relationship we sometimes encounter in ministries that don’t go as planned.

“Not the Way I planned”

With almost a decade of ministry under my belt now, I can think of a number of relationships that didn’t pan out how I planned. Relationships that were characterized by conflict more than chemistry, disagreement more than teamwork. Whether it was with a co-worker, volunteer, parent, or teen, they were relationships that ended in conflict.

Some ended with a fizzle, some ended with a bang, but all of them ended with a bad taste in my mouth. It wasn’t necessarily a moral issue, perhaps just a difference of opinion, a different style of leadership, a personality conflict that we couldn’t or didn’t want to get over. But it ended with a “bleh” that lingered far beyond our time together.

Have you ever had one of those relationships?

They eat at you. They’re the kind that gnaws at your soul because they go unresolved. They’re formed by conflict that didn’t have a clear bad guy or an obvious sin to confront. They just ended poorly and that stinks.

An Obsession with Closure

If I’m really honest, I can find myself carrying those relationships with me for a long time. I hold on to them because… well, I’m not sure why. I feel unfulfilled, I feel misrepresented. I think to myself, “If only they’d have understood me, we would have been fine.”

In reality, I hold on because I want to be acknowledged. I want my pain, anger, or sense of injustice to be recognized and validated. When I feel I’ve been wronged, I want to be asked for forgiveness. I want to hear, “You were right.”. I want what I want, and I want it now. And I don’t really want to forgive until I get those things.

Do you ever feel that way?

In reality, however, I don’t need those things. In fact, getting them might end up damaging my soul. My obsession with closure is my own issue, and when it goes unchecked it breeds bitterness, cynicism, and sarcasm. God may very well be using the most difficult relationships in our lives to draw us closer to Him, to confront our self-righteousness, or to humble us as we learn to be content in Him.

I’m a work in progress with all of this, but I think it’s important for us to start talking about it. To not simply resign ourselves to thinking this is the way it’s got to be. As God continues to work on my own heart, I’d like to share four healthy habits He’s been sowing.

4 Healthy Practices for Moving Forward

1. Be honest with what you’re feeling.

It’s important that we give ourselves permission to recognize and name what we’re feeling – anger, disappointment, betrayal, mistrust, etc. Those feelings are trying to reveal truths that we’re holding onto deep in our soul.

Stuffing unpleasant emotions down does little to help us overcome them. In fact, stuffing them down may allow them to grip us more than ever. Instead, by noticing and naming it for what it is, I’m able to bring it to God without feeling ashamed that I’m not feeling what I think I’m “supposed to feel” in the moment.

God’s given us our emotions to reveal the hidden things in our heart, and as difficult as they may sometimes be, they enable us to invite God to search our heart more deeply. That reality is that God’s already in the deepest places of my emotions, but by being willing to go there myself, I am able to finally meet Him there.

2. Avoid the inner-dialogue.

I don’t know about you, but I have this nasty tendency of playing out dialogues in my head. I imagine myself confronting a person that I’m struggling with. I picture their response. I envision my retort. I role-play our miscommunication back and forth, and the whole thing devolves into a mess. In the end, I take away a very real feeling of  frustration and anxiety thanks to an imaginary conversation. Those inner-dialogues can be guilty pleasures, but they do nothing to bring healing. As I put predictable words in their mouth, I take away the opportunity to be surprised by God at work in both of our hearts. Just like stuffing our emotions, those inner dialogues can reinforce the conflict inside us all the more.

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:2-3

3. Forgive once, let go often.

Ever extend forgiveness only to turn around and find that you’re stilling holding on to it? Me, too.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing. Extending forgiveness when it hasn’t been asked for or doesn’t feel like it’s deserved is even more difficult. One thing that complicates it for me is turning forgiveness into a feeling. When I make it a feeling, forgiveness becomes fickle. I extend it when I feel like it and take it back when I don’t. I forgive because I know I’m supposed to, but I’m not really feeling it so I just go through the motions like an empty ritual.

In fact, forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t erase pain, it doesn’t immediately wash away the wound, but it’s a decision to start. When I offer forgiveness, I choose to no longer hold it against them. That doesn’t mean I stop feeling. Rather it means, when I start to feel pain again, I don’t hold it against them. I recognize the pain, but don’t put it on their account. Instead I recognize that it’s part of the ongoing healing that God desires to work in my life.

When I’ve been wronged by someone, I choose to no longer hold it against them. I forgive them. As painful feelings come up, I recognize and name them and let them go, again and again and again.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:6-7

4. Refocus on the Most Important Thing.

In the end, it’s not about us. It’s never been about us, and that fact should help us refocus our concern and passion on Christ. It doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t important to God, nor does it mean that I should stuff them down, suck it up, and get on with the work of the Kingdom. But it does mean that in everything, Christ reigns – over my heart, over my relationships, over the conflicts I find myself in the midst of.  When He remains at the center of my focus, closure and validation seem less important, less significant, less necessary and I can begin to follow Him again.

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. – Col 3:15

May the peace of Christ reign over your heart as you live with each other today.

Working around camp often brings up memories of past summers, projects and staff members.  One staff member in particular came to mind the other day.  He was a young man with a great work ethic who was starting to socially break out of his shell.  I smiled as I remember the good times spent together and sighed as I remembered some really difficult times.

Unfortunately, the relationship between this staff member, the ministry and myself, ended with one of those bad times.  Sin was left unrepented, restoration never happened, and no sense of healthy closure ever came.  Despite moments of grace and confrontation, long conversations and the call to repentance, he chose to build a wall that continues to separate the two of us.

I tried hard to show love, extend grace, speak truth, and help him grow. I was thrilled to have the support and involvement of this young man’s parents in the process.  However, I was disappointed when it became clear that things weren’t going to resolve, and in some ways I felt that I had failed him.  Maybe we could have had a stronger discipleship relationship.  Maybe there was something I could have said to better express my heart and desire for him to seek God through this unpleasant experience.  It was one of those times in ministry where I wish I could know for sure that things would work out for his good and God’s glory.

I am sure you’ve had a similar heartbreaking experience with a leader, student or parent.  Calling someone to repentance is often times difficult, and our own actions and reactions can make things even more complex.  Caring for the souls of your people is never easy and restoration is not always the end result as we experience the conflict.

Restored Hope. Restored Life.

As spring begins to bud around camp, I’m also reminded of the backdrop of Easter. It comes to the forefront of my mind as we prepare to celebrate Jesus’ death, burial and resurrection. What happened there is the ultimate display of restoration.

Our hope lies in the restoring forgiveness of our Savior.  Everything lies in that hope. He tears down the wall of sin that separates us from God and each other. He brings our relationship with God back to its fullness, and He can do the same for our relationships with those around us.

As we remember Jesus’ sacrifice, let me encourage you to remember those you have called to repentance, those you long to restore.  Now is the time to pray for them and maybe even reach out to them again.

Let me invite you to do the following:

1. Pray for those individuals – intentionally, specifically, regularly
2. Ask God to bring restoration.
3. Consider approaching them again.
4. Examine your own actions and reactions.  Pay attention to your emotions and assumptions, because God may be calling you to repent too.
5. As you sit with the unresolved tension, rest in the hope of Jesus’ victor over Satan, sin and death.

I plan to contact this staff member to express my love and concern for him.  I hope and pray that God will turn his heart to desire restoration.  I pray God uses you in mighty ways to bring about restoration this Easter season.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” Psalm 139:23-24

“Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.” 2 Corinthians 13:11

Happy Easter!